Competition

“Give me your sales report for January,” said my boss.
Reluctantly, I e-mailed my report to him. I was not proud of my performance. I was not able to accomplish the “goal of earning $20,000 revenue sale per month”
Now, I am working with two other account executives. Both of them have about twenty years of experience in sales. They spoke in a delicate and sophisticated manner. More than anything else, they have the skill to keep conversation going at least for fifteen minutes with future clients.

This work environment made me competitive about everything in my life. I dislike the emotion and it makes me ugly inside. It is daunting. For the last couple of days, I was blaming my surroundings. However, I realized that it was wrong.

Once I get competitive, my life becomes a game with others. Who wins and loses, who looks better or poor, and who is superior or inferior.

On the way to work, I see thousands of women in high heels with a brand new purse, a pair of shiny high heals and perfect make-ups. They are or at least look put together. I have a four-year-old purse, a pair of worn-out shoes and inperfect make-ups. It is easy not to lose confidence. The worst thing is even if I try to avoid looking at those perfect people around me, even if I keep walking with my head down, I can still see my old shoes.

Finding flaws in my shoes, feeling scaled by my boss at work, I feel incompetent.

In Philadelphia, I rarely compared myself to others. No one had much, but everyone was joyful, and I was happy with that. I never wish to have fashionable clothes, purses and shoes. I wonder how I turned such a competitive person. Is it NY? Is it clothes? Is it work?
I realized it was none of those. I was seeking an answer in the wrong place. It was not the environment that was making me miserable, but it was part of me which wants to feel superior to others. It was never outside, it had been inside.